BACON: Yearly Classifieds

Jack Pennington and Jiaming Lou

HELP WANTED WITHIN THE CITY OF CHICAGO

We are looking for people to work as leprechauns until the Leprechauns complete negotiations they began Friday, March 17.

Applicants are required to be, between 3’0” to 5’1”, have red, auburn, or ginger hair, and be willing to wear the mandatory green and gold get up. Experience with cast iron pot creation, advanced pluvian refraction, extreme luck, and clover farming are also highly recommended.

We are offering 57 centigrams of gold coins per hour (twice the standard rate), free alcohol, medical benefits, and government cover up assistance until your services are no longer needed.

Send your resume to Liam McOhConnell at the Chicago Department of Leprechauns. We will contact you for an interview

HELP WANTED AT WHITNEY M. YOUNG MAGNET HIGH SCHOOL

Revolutionary new robotics, culture, sport, and education facility is looking for a night guard to ensure the safety and security of their state of the art teaching of animatronics.

12 AM to 6 AM.
$120 a week.

Custom, scratch coded monitor equipment ensures safety of animatronics and other necessary learning tools. Also supplies high powered, hydraulic doors protect the applicant from any intruders. Overuse of power systems is taken out of your weekly paycheck.

Whitney Young is not responsible for:
psychological trauma, injury, dismemberment, and development of automatonophobia.

To apply, call (773) 534-7500