BACON: Leaked: New Classroom Cell Phone Policy

Jiaming Lou, Editor-in-Chief

11 out of 10 teachers agree that students using phones in class without permission is annoying. After conducting multiple studies on their students (without their permission, of course; real data is so hard to get these days), Whitney Young’s statistics teachers conclude that 97.2% of the student body has issues with nomophobia, textaphrenia, and ringxiety

Consequently, the teachers have been collectively finalizing a cell phone policy, which they have proposed to administration. At the upcoming all-faculty meeting, all attendees will vote the plan into action. “I know it’s the fourth quarter,” one of the teachers leading the meeting began, “but it’s never too late.” This was supposed to be top-secret information; however, at their most recent brainstorming session in the library, I happened to awake from behind one of the sofas (while asleep, I fell backwards somehow) and curiosity got the better of me.

Here’s what you need to know:
– Do not, I repeat, do not leave your phone on your desk for more than 5 seconds. Teachers are told to keep a lookout for such phones, and if they see one on your desk or in your lap, they will confiscate it. And the con-
sent-something form we had to sign at the beginning of the year? Yeah apparently signing it meant you’re okay with not getting your phone back…

– One (not) for all. Don’t sit next to people who are likely to be on their phones during class. If spotted, not only will their precious possession be taken, so will those of the people sitting to their left, right, front, and back. If it’s not too late to take your phone, it’s not too late to switch seats either…

– There’s been issues with phones connecting to the school wifi. The Tech Center specialists will be selecting a random sample of students to “fix” the issue, but beware. They’re really trying to install a microchip in your phone to start tracking what times you go on it…

So yeah we’re doomed. But not all hope is lost; as the meeting concluded, another teacher’s words rang out: “although it’s highly unlikely, we will consider retracting the proposal if we notice an increased disengagement with phones from students among all classes.” In other words, don’t plan to use your phone in class for extended periods of time without permission–and especially not when a teacher is talking. It’s rude.

* Note: all statistics in this article are supported strictly
by creative imagination.