After failing to capture more than 6 students to opt in for hybrid learning, CPS has resorted to some interesting techniques to lure students back. Here are some of their new tactical plans.

Free Food: Every 5 days attended of in-person learning students will receive a coupon for one free Meatball Marinara at Subway™. Stu Dent ‘00 had this to say, “Mmm I’m not the biggest fan of Geometry class, but the sweet and savory taste of Meatball Marinara from a local Subway™ near you really does hit the spot!”

New Testing Policy: In order to maintain the same atmosphere as at-home testing, teachers are now required to leave the room during important tests. We can’t have those 100s go to 68s without the help of Quizlet now, can we? Ajay Looseblink ‘21, who felt strongly said this, “So when do I start saying my quote? Ok, starting now.”

Ad Campaign: For an unknown reason, CPS has centered their ad campaign around having students “catch up with friends” and “learn more in-depth.” The reasoning behind these claims is still unknown to many students. The board and CTU have asserted absurd promises such as: “we really think students will be able to enhance their learning through our plan.” I, for one, think this is a thin veil, and am waiting till they drop the act and finally tell us it’s only because the College Board’s 120 year contract requires students to take their standardized tests. Big Al ‘34 agreed with this sentiment and said, “My mom’s a teacher, College Board has her hostage, and are saying ‘no test, no rest’.”

Google Mindgames: CPS has also realized maybe if they can just get you off the computer then they can get you into a classroom. For every day spent “online learning” CPS will lower their server capacity by 20 students. This is already becoming apparent through trying to log onto Aspen. They have also started to reduce functionality of Google Classroom starting with the removal of the ability to create new polls. 

Personal Treatment: Following the low response rate to the My Voice survey, CPS has tried to boost those numbers. Now, a CPS office intern will personally knock on your front door and ask for your opinions. If compliance is not met within 20 seconds the intern is legally allowed to search your house without a warrant. Resistance. Is. Futile. 

If you would like to support CPS efforts feel free to voice your opinion here.