I, Your Amazon Cart, am Furious with You

Teresa Pan

Hey, just because third party cookies were banned on your favorite browser doesn’t mean you can just forget about me! All those days that I spent on the side of each and every one of the websites you visited…I paid so much money just so you would see me! You even clicked on me a few times. Last time you came to visit was two weeks ago, and you only stared at us for a minute. Throw Pillow only got to say “My price has changed since you last-” before you left us again. It hurt her feelings that you didn’t even let her finish her sentence! How dare you! Her seller was offering you a discount for her!


What are we going to do now?! Do I need to contact the police and report you missing? Your family members miss you dearly. Black Jacket cried yesterday and wailed “Where is our super attractive suitor?” He wants you to visit again. You became pregnant with him one and a half years ago when you added him to your wishlist, and then you gave birth to him when you finally put him in your cart. He is the oldest of us all, and his birthday is coming up in a month. Do you plan to visit? Or are you going to continue to avoid us?


Seriously, can it be that hard to go to Amazon once a day to talk to us for a bit? To look at us? Maybe even finally bring us home? I mean, you’ve made 1000 purchases on Amazon in the last year, which is far above average, and I’ve seen many of my brothers and sisters leave to join you in heaven. Why am I still here? Why are the rest of us still here? If you don’t want us, why don’t you just take us out of your cart?


Your newest addition, Water Bottle, was told by the Instagram cookie that you’ve been “clicking on ads for other water bottles,” and he is really deeply hurt. Does that mean you aren’t planning on taking him home? 


We miss you dearly, and I am personally very offended and mad at you. So please, come back!