Amid many cybersecurity attacks in the modern world, many parents are left feeling worried about the safety of their children on their school devices. Rallying behind these concerns, The Bacon was able to secure an exclusive interview with an anonymous CPS official on the issue:

“Could you expand on what CPS is currently doing to ensure cyber safety for all students on school devices?”

“I’d like to highlight our newest addition to our cybersecurity arsenal, the chrome extension TotallyNotSpyware. This extension is truly state-of-the-art, and highlights everything CPS cares about when it comes to internet safety.”

They then continued to provide more information on the inner workings of the service:

“It runs in the background of all chrome tabs, all the time, to ensure that there is never any opportunity to have a breach. We truly believe that this will contribute to a safe environment for learning. Even the name is soothing, reaffirming to the student that there is no malicious activity on the computers.”

“Will students have to expect a performance hit with the introduction of this software?”

“We found that any impact on the loading time of websites that students would experience from the software was negligible, still hitting record speeds of 7 minutes to load up Gmail. These loading times will massively enrich learning by providing security for all students.”

The interviewee declined to comment on what the software is doing when it’s running on the tabs, stating “We don’t need to get into the nitty-gritty of it.” When pressed on the need for anonymity, they claimed that “It’s just a security measure,” and added that they are excited to announce CPS’s generous new sponsorship from TotallyNotSpyware’s parent company, hoping to cover any possible security risks with future cooperation.