It has come to our attention by way of the streets that some elements of the student body have met our routinely orchestrated congregations in the theater with some disgruntlement. Rumors of unfocused seniors, texting in the theater, or even of skipping assemblies entirely have made their way up to us. One confidential source told us  “I wish you would at least have something to say whenever we have to go to the theater.” Another said that “You could’ve just told us all of this in an Email.” Overall, we have keenly observed that there seems to be a general despondent attitude amongst seniors in the theater.

We were, of course, shocked and horrified to find out that this is the case. All the painstaking effort we spend planning and preparing for these event-filled meetings, only to have our message fall on deaf ears! Whomst among you have not any fond memories of being told about early college admissions deadlines two weeks after they were due? Or of when we went to the extra effort of reading, out loud and with deliberate slowness, an email which we had sent a week prior? What could the students, who had all appeared, at least to us, focused with such rapt attention that we had, not once, needed to reprimand them, have to complain about? Could they possibly be so bored of our endless reminders of their eight absence limit, as though the thought of it hung over their head every day when they set their alarms to 6:30 AM, that they would have thoughts of desertion?

Well, so be it. Heavy lies the head that wears the crown, so they say; and thus, we have elected, on top of our work-filled schedules of shutting down school functions to remind you to complete your MyVoice survey and updating the senior eligibility list every single five weeks, to plan and prepare for more and greater theater functions than ever before! That’s right –no more boring and fruitless advisory periods, wasted on socializing with friends or playing games; no more frivolous enrichment periods, which served only the purpose of ensuring that detention was never empty. From now on, every day shall play host to 40 full minutes in the theater, every day filled with reminders to complete a FAFSA form that will never give back results, every day will we lecture you about deadlines that have already passed, every day shall we remind you to give us your money for senior activities. So please – from now on, come to the theater every day for 45 minutes of non-stop instruction, such that no email could suffice.