What Are We to Do About the Anti-Vaxxers?

Kelsey Lewis, Writer/Editor

As we lethargically stumble past a year of quarantine, the country may be seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. It is estimated that roughly 60%-70% of Americans are estimated to get at least one dose of the vaccine by the end of 2021. To many, this bring a sigh of relief and a bout of warmth. But for others, a gasp of fear and a bout of suspicion. Protests and internet arguments show a significant part of this country does not trust the vaccine and, therefore, plans on not getting it. “It’s just not safe! How does putting a virus into your body to stop a virus make any sense?” asks Darla Smith, full time mother with a parenting blog about the benefits of feeding your baby a green-only diet. “It’s like trying to fight fire with fire. Who’s ever heard of such a thing?” Ludites and conspiracy theorists, as they come out of the woodworks, like the famous groundhog, mark another six weeks of nation-wide groaning and prolonged suffering. How, as a nation, will we overcome such a devastating epoch if so many of us are not willing to do the work? What are we to do about the Anti-Vaxxers?

The Department of Challenging American Control (DCAC) has some ideas. “Instead of trying to rollout  and inform Americans about the vaccine through trusted American institutions, like the government, schools, and hospitals, our goal at the DCAC is to do it through trusted institutions of Challenging Americans,” says director of the DCAC, Chuck McDunk. 

McDunk used to be what is now considered a Challenging American. His mother, the type of person who tries to reserve parking spots by putting garbage in front of it, and his father, a DMV employee, is thought by McDunk to have led to his diagnosis After attending the University of Wisconsin, a famously intense party school, his symptoms of being a Challenging American only got worse. “All he would do is sit in his room and watch NASCAR videos, comment under Instagram models’ posts, and yell at his mom. Once he started verbally berating service workers who were just trying to do their jobs, we knew it had gotten bad,” says McDunk’s college roommate, who asked to remain anonymous. “After a while, it was hard for me and the bro’s in our frat to hang out with him.” It wasn’t until he spent a summer in Iceland, ranked as the country with the nicest people, that he was able to recognize his symptoms. Through intense therapy, exercise, and deleting his subscription to TMZ, he was able to officially be recognized by a licensed physician as a Non-Challenging American.

Considering his past with the ever-growing Challenging American population, his devotion to their betterment is strong. With tons of research, testing, andtheorizing, McDunk and his team at the DCAC were able to compile a list of trusted institutions and people by Challenging Americans that the DCAC believes will help in disseminating information in a way Challenging American will accept. The list is as follows:

  • Arby’s
  • MTV
  • the essential oils section of local health foods stores
  • Candace Owens
  • Fox News
  • Twitter
  • the Hype House and other similar groups
  • Kanye West
  • an organization of Get-Rich-Quick schemes that play their ads on YouTube videos
  • the Country Music Awards
  • QVC

As we crawl towards the end of this dark, dank tunnel, we have to rely on each other to pull ourselves to the end. The efforts of the many will only be ruined by the stubbornness of the few. All we can do is trust that, from this point forward, the studies of McDunk and his team at the DCAC will carry us forward.