Bacon Microwaves: America’s Saving Grace

Photo Credits: DALL-E Open Al

Photo Credits: DALL-E Open Al

Tyler Tharpe , Staff Writer

Every other night I order takeout, I eat half of it then save the other half for the next day. Without fail I always order something

delicious so on that second night I come home excited, because after a long and hard day I have food that
I love that will be there waiting for me. I reach into the fridge, pull out tonight’s dinner, slide it in the mi- crowave, turn it on for two minutes, and stare at that glorious metal box in a heightened state of anticipation. The moment that sweet sweet alarm goes off, I pull the food out and start to dig in. As soon as the food hits my tongue, my eyes roll back and I feel my soul leave my body. I talk with my ancestors, with God.

I travel across the universe, time, different galaxies and dimensions. In an instant, all of human history flashes before my eyes until sudden- ly I’m there, back in my chair, eating dinner. Holy $*&*.

You would think a microwave could heat up anything in any container. But no, styrofoam, the thing every restaurant in the world gives you, is one of the things you can’t put in a microwave. I do it anyway. It’s the pinnacle of convenience. Not only is it convenient, I love the taste of the delicious delicious chemical styrene. It’s the ultimate combination of flavor, a cross between Lawry’s sea-soning salt and Slap Ya Mama sea-soning. If it weren’t for the irritation of the eyes and breathing issues, it would be the ultimate spice. Yes, finally, the one thing I truly want with my meal, the same effects as mustard gas.

Some restaurants have proposed eliminating styrofoam for environ- mental reasons. I believe this would be a mistake. Instead, I believe we should put our best scientists and engineers to the task of redesign- ing the microwave to include a setting that allows you to micro- wave styrofoam. Very similar to the government coming out and say- ing, “Everyone loves to breathe but pollution is getting out of hand, so instead of cutting back on pollution, we will be making more air.” It just seems so much more logical to do things this way. The microwave is the heart of America so we must use all the resources we have to save it!