Satire – Prevent Coronavirus by Sending Money to Mae Jiang

Mae Jiang, Editor

The rapid, extensive spread of COVID-19 (Coronavirus) has caused panic across the globe. In an effort to avoid this deadly virus, people have gone to extreme measures. Fights have broken out over the last package of toilet paper at grocery stores. Xenophobic attitudes towards Asian Americans have intensified due to the fact that the pandemic originated in China. The stock market has plunged, as consumers fear leaving their houses to buy various goods and services.


However, a new, 100% effective preventative measure guaranteeing immunity has come to light.


As we all know, germs can be spread through money. Touching money will increase your chances of infection. To stay on the safe side, nobody should touch money. However, a certain individual has put others’ needs above her own and risk her chance at infection to keep your money safe. Send your money to Mae Jiang! She accepts quickpay at 3125609672 and venmo @mae-jiang. You may also mail cash to her home. Mae will keep your money away from you and make sure nobody else can access it besides herself. What a noble sacrifice! Let’s see what some of her clients have to say:


“I gave my money to Mae and she has not given it back to me. She happily accepted it even though she was risking her chance at infection. What an amazing service,” remarked Rogelio Renteria, ‘20.


“I haven’t seen my money since Mae took it. Very effective,” said Simone Hoekstra, ‘21.


“I love how she accepts so many forms of payment. It really allows her to get as much money as possible,” noted Larissa Gosslau, ‘22.


Mae’s venmo QR code for your convenience