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BEACON

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Bow Down… Beyonce: Satire Edition

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How To Worship A Queen

When you think of God on Earth, who comes to mind? There is only one answer to this question: Queen B. If she didn’t come to mind then you need to see the light…
When Beyonce performed at the Grammys this year, everyone watching was absolved of their sins, reborn and given a heart of gold specifically to match Beyonce’s outfit. If you missed her Grammys performance, you’re cursed for 35 years (Beyonce is 35 years old for all you fake fans who didn’t know).
If this article is making you realize you need to step up your love and devotion to Queen B, you’re in luck. Here are some expert tips to become a golden member of the Beyonce fan club…
1. Get a really good highlighter because Beyonce is always glowing.
2. She’s also pregnant right now (with twins no less) but… don’t run off and get pregnant, please. The highlighter should give you enough of that signature Beyonce glow. But feel free to name your future child Blue!
3. Find yourself a musical genius like Jay-Z and make him your boyfriend. Bey and J are married but you guys are a little young for that.
4. Get a killer girl squad together to reenact Bey’s music video for Formation.
5. Legally change your name to Queen B, Bey or Beyonce.
6. Drink lots of lemonade. This one’s self explanatory.
7. Get in fights in elevators with your sister and boyfriend. If you don’t have either of those, a random girl and guy will do.
8. Get a lifetime supply of WTRMLN WTR (Beyonce’s juice line).
9. Make daily visits to the #1 Beyonce fan site: http://www.beyonceonline.org/english/
10. Start taking voice lessons like, today. It’s going to take a long time to even get close to Beyonce’s smooth, buttery, and majestic voice.

You also must be ready to defend Bey’s honor against the haters. Some drab nobodies might argue that Queen B doesn’t deserve our total admiration and affection at every possible second. Haters might speak about Beyonce like she doesn’t deserve to be the empress of the North Western Hemisphere. They might even say some crazy stuff like, “Beyonce is alright” or something even more horrific like, “Beyonce is ok, I guess.” Some might even say something awful like, “I don’t think Beyonce is even good.” Those people are sick and a cancer to society. It’s ok to rid the world of those disgusting half lives- or at least it will be legal once we overthrow the current oppressive government and allow Queen B to take her rightful place on the throne.

Hopefully these tips help you on your journey to becoming a gold member of the Beyonce fan club! But beware, they won’t be enough to make you the ultimate Beyonce fan. That is reserved for those who know how to value a Queen-think Queen Elizabeth. You must take a bow every time her name is spoken. You must devote your life to Beyonce. Every night before bed, you need to pray to the Goddess, Beyonce. You must wake up early every morning to praise Beyonce for all she has given the world. Give praise to her anytime of day because Beyonce definitely deserves extra praise. Once all these steps are completed, you can be considered for placement in the ultimate Beyonce fan club! Good luck!

Photos courtesy of Beyonce’s website

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The student news site of Whitney Young Magnet High School in Chicago, Illinois.
Bow Down… Beyonce: Satire Edition