Horoscopes for the Month of April!

Horoscopes for the Month of April!

April Gonzales, Creative Director

Looking forward for the near future? Here are some horoscopes that will for sure brighten your day!*

 

Aries (March 21-April 19): Everyone loves those new phones that are received every once in a while, especially the IPhones and the Galaxy phones. Your phone is your best friend and it would be a shame if someone…. Stole it, so be careful, you’re going to lose your phone very soon… But it’s okay! You’ll get it back, but this week, it’s going to fall out of your hands and shatter. Too bad you don’t have insurance to cover it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Just think about it. Encouraging friends? Never-ending relationships? No, forget it! Your petty attitude ain’t giving you a pretty face. Remember, that level of saltiness is too high to the point where you’ll be watching Netflix alone tonight hun.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Look up in the sky and think about these astrological signs. What do they mean? Nothing! There’s no point in looking for a good sign! The stars and planets do not affect your life in any way so you should stop trying.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Remember that shirt you bought for that special someone? You probably thought they loved it and wore it every single day. Well, you’re wrong. They cut it up and set your sweater on fire. You should probably buy new clothes while crying your eyes out. Oops!

Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re going to be making great decisions… That will ultimately lead to a big mess and more messes following and continuing in an endless cycle of mess ups.You cannot escape the cycle. This will be the summary of your life, nothing but a mess.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): See those clumsy Leos over there? Yeah them? Be aware! One of them is going to run you over with a skateboard! Just stay away from skateboards and Leos! Just don’t do it! We’re trying to save you (even though we won’t be much help)!

Libra (September 23-October 22): Give a round of applause for the Miss/Mister Y are you here. Be careful on who you tease and make fun of. You’re going to push someone to the limit and they will write a song about you and make millions off that track. At least you helped someone make money.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Be aware of who you trust. You’re going to get poisoned by someone sometime soon and there’s really nothing you can do about it, so good luck to you and don’t trust everyone!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): error 404: content not found, please try again later.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): For the first week of April, you’re in for a show! Your life will fill with cold winter blizzards, coal at your doorstep, and really cheap sparkling grape juice. You must’ve thought that spring was well on your way but you were wrong.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): It’s cold outside. You’re walking home alone, but all of a sudden it gets dark, and you get attacked by a storm of dank memes. R.I.P. You have no choice but to join them. Just do it! The next day you meet up with a friend and say “Damn friend back at it again with the dank memes” and run out with a bunch of breadsticks in your purse.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): You see a light and it’s Bernie Sanders. You go to the light and the closer you get, the sky goes from blue to orange, and you see as the snow white hair fades to a very blonde toupe and now you’re living in the land of Donald Trump. Happy Hunger Games and may the odds be ever in your favor.
*We lied these will definitely hurt rather than brighten your day