Benefits of Coffee (Satire)

Madeleine Byun

The Benefits of Coffee

If you are not holding a steaming hot cup of jo, you are losing out on essential health benefits coffee provides. I’m going to explain some background about coffee. Coffee originated in Ethiopia in the 9th century. Ethiopia is an especially healthy country, so coffee must be extremely healthy. There has been constant debates over Coffee and its side effects. Some say that coffee makes you dehydrated but how could drinking liquids make you be dehydrated. Other haters also say that coffee can make you short but I don’t think Coffee can make me short because I don’t want to be short when I am older. Coffee has so many health benefits because it is good for you. Coffee can help with your figure because there is no evidence that coffee does not cause weight loss, therefore drinking coffee helps lose weight. Based on our above arguments, coffee is obviously the key to living a healthy lifestyle and will ultimately cause immortality. Since coffee is extremely good for your health and can keep you awake and alert throughout the day, Not drinking coffee can cause exhaustion and tiredness. And we all know what tiredness and exhaustion leads to… Death… and no one wants to die, so everyone should drink coffee. Take babies for example. Babies don’t drink coffee and they are the most unproductive members of our society. Everyone else who is drinking coffee is thriving at life so you should too. I interviewed some Whitney Young students about their coffee consumption and how coffee impacts their lives. Helen McKnight ‘20 says, “Coffee is the best, I drink at least 3 cups everyday.” Did you know that Coffee as a drink is tremendous for your health so the added sugar and cream is also great for your health. You are either for or against coffee because you can only be for or against growing to a tall stature and being a productive member of society. Some students may have heard that coffee gives you bad breath. Well what do you know you’re not a dentist. Well you heard it here folks, since so many Whitney Young students drink coffee it must be great for your health.