America Bans Cats


Grace McGregor

Recently, the United States of America has decided to make owning a cat illegal. On Monday, May 11th, President Trump announced, “Cats do not belong in America. They try to sit on children’s faces and kill them. They are evil.” Next week, teams of animal control professionals will go door to door collecting cats from homes. Then, they will go after cats in the wild. Streaming services including Amazon, Netflix and Hulu are being directed to take any cat related material off their websites and libraries will purge any books relating to or mentioning cats.

Many students are taking this news hard. John Doe ‘20, says, “My cat’s never done anything wrong. She’s innocent.”  “I just don’t understand! There’s no data to back up the claim that cats are evil.” protests Ronald McDonald ‘22. Others are happy about the news. “Cats are literally the worst,”  Hannah Montana ‘23 says, “they don’t belong in our society and I completely support all plans to get rid of them.” This is a change that will forever affect America’s pets. Remember to notify local law enforcement if you or someone you know owns a cat that needs to be taken away.