Gym Coaches Take Revenge on Vapers


Nikhil Kalghatgi

Several of our school’s attentive denizens have brought it to our attention that the boys’ locker room is usually unlocked much later than 8:00 AM. Of course, this inaction causes massive overcrowding on the PE bridge, but it has a more salient effect as well. The young men that are inconvenienced show up to their physical education classes ten minutes late on average, and according to a National Institute of Health study, we live an additional seven minutes for every minute we spend exercising. Thus, as a result of the gym locker room not being opened in a timely fashion every morning, more than fifty boys in a first period gym class are each losing a hour of their lives.

One student affected by these callous actions angrily added: “by the end of the year, these coaches will have collectively robbed us of more a year of our lives!” Suffice it to say, this is murder.

Our investigative team has recently unearthed the motivation behind these depraved acts. In the first quarter of the school year, physical education teachers determined, via an olfactory test, that some number of students were utilizing vaping devices in the boys’ locker room. The Bacon’s investigative team ascertained that the device in question was most likely a JUUL with a cool mint pod.

Determined to stop this desecration of the locker room, Coach Cassidy offered a bounty of more than twenty dollars for information pertaining to the identities of the vandals. At this time, an anonymous junior declared that he was “gonna yeet [himself] some bread”. Although the Bacon’s investigation revealed that the bounty was ineffective at generating information, the prevalence of vaping has decreased rapidly, and as of press time, nobody has vaped in the locker room in over two months.

Nevertheless, the gym coaches are determined to punish the offending vapers by opening the locker room later every day. Coach Cassidy himself was overheard reminding first period students that  “the locker room is a privilege” and exhorting them to “treat it with respect!” This attitude is no doubt behind the actions of the gym coaches, but we at the Bacon would like to remind them that schools are required by federal law to allow students to use locker rooms.