Women are mythical creatures that no man has yet figured out. They cry in happy times and smile in sad times. It has been concluded by researcher Anna Miller that “women are wired to be more verbal and to talk more, to talk about feelings more, to feel feelings more deeply to express more deeply.” But when is deep too deep? All these feelings and emotions result in them nagging men all the time. They get overwhelmed with all these feelings and eventually resort to arguing and yelling. How are mighty men supposed to help them if all they can say is “I’m fine” after breaking down and crying? Men, being the most knowledgeable creatures on planet earth, are going to need a way to crack the code of women. The solution proposed is both reasonable and affordable.

Nick Walsh ‘19 says “women are so unreasonable that agreeing with them or giving them chocolate simply will not work to stop their nagging and complaining.” It is usually during their time of the month when agreeing with them and giving them chocolate won’t work. The poor man would have to listen to her nagging for hours. This would drive the man crazy or delusional and we simply cannot have that since we need men to run our society and keep it sane. So in the case of these events, our company has created a product that will help all men with their women. It is a special lip glue called “Quiet Wife, Happy Life.”

This glue is affordable and easy to use. For only $4.50 a bottle, any man could turn his life around. Simply apply the glue to the woman’s lips and they will be sealed shut within seconds. This will finally give the man some peace and quiet for once. The glue is made with all natural products to prevent any serious damage to the woman’s lips.

Isabel Makris ‘22 says “it is inhumane to glue a woman’s lips shut because talking is a healthy part of human nature and by depriving women of talking, we are depriving them of good health.” Our company can assure you that the glue only lasts for three days. It is just enough time to teach the woman who is in charge. It will also teach her to not speak out of turn. We are not shutting them up forever; only for a healthy amount of time. Another argument would be that the women won’t let men put glue on their lips because they are simply against it. This does not matter because the man could place the glue on one of the woman’s lipsticks so that when she applies her lipstick in the morning, it will also apply the glue. The man could also just apply the glue on her lips while she is sleeping.

There is absolutely nothing that could go wrong by gluing a woman’s lips shut. The woman could enjoy the glue because it comes in different shades of red and pink just like normal lipstick. It will also give her some quiet reflection time to realize that she cannot always get things her way. Being a woman myself, I would disagree with getting my lips glued together. But if we ever want to fix the nagging in the world, we will need to shut women up. So, if the girlfriend or wife is kept quiet for a few days, everyone will end up happy at the end, both man and woman. Without the feminine nagging, humanity will soon be at rest and peace on earth will finally have the potential to exist.