In light of recent events regarding college admissions,  Collegeboard, Common Application, and all partnering schools have decided to completely change the college application process to a more effective, efficient, and effortless undertaking.

After conferring with students, faculty, and parents, we have decided to completely get rid of the essay portion of the application. This requirement heightened student stress levels, decreased school revenue in the form of salaries, and yet, did not improve our ability to select students. Instead, we are replacing our admissions teams with state-of-the-art computer algorithms that analyze students based on each college’s interests. These algorithms take into consideration the economic status of the family, projected willingness to donate, and, of course, whether or not the student will be participating in collegiate sports.

The advantages of this system are far-reaching. Not only will students be able to find out decisions immediately, a rejection letter will assuredly not be an indictment of a student’s intelligence, rather an indictment of their parent’s savings accounts. Schools will save money from the cost of an admissions team, allowing them to build more sports facilities for their collegiate athletes, invest in better dining halls, and compensate their hardworking board members and presidents with a larger yearly bonus.

Fortunately, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, because our current system operates quite similarly; with this augmented system, we can bring you the same results in less time, with less money.

Yours,

Collegeboard